You've got to understand sometimes
It ain't easy but I got to do this thing
And sometimes life ain't fair
But believe me I just wanna be right there
Right now in front of this crowd
I just feel so alone
I'm smiling on the outside
But on the inside they can't see that I'm torn
Cause everytime I go away my heart stays with you boy
And more and more I need you in my life
                                                                   ------"Just Wanna Be Right There"--Fab

     That night she didn’t profess anything more.  He didn’t either.  That night there were no promises made.  No promises made that had to be kept.  Things were left unspoken that night.  Maybe they should have, because in the end there was a tomorrow, one that came with doubt and uneasiness.
     Aliesa didn’t go to the airport to say goodbye.  She didn’t even really say goodbye.  She just watched him pack from her position in the bed, turning her face at the last moment when he leaned down to kiss her so his lips brushed her cheek instead. 

“You’re going to miss your flight,” she said softly when his eyes questioned her silently. 

“I guess this is it then?” 

Aliesa didn’t speak, just offered him a weary smile in response. 

Shane cupped the side of her face, his thumb stroking her cheek.  “I’ll ring you,” he promised.

     The little expression she had in her eyes faded at the mention.  Aliesa turned her head away from his touch and nodded.  For a moment Shane hesitated but then he stood up.  He stood up giving her the same weary smile she had given him, and then he walked away from her.  He stopped though, briefly turning back when he reached the door.  But she didn’t call out to him to wait, didn’t tell him that the instant he left her side she had already started to miss him.  Nope.  There was no assurance that somehow it would be okay.  Aliesa didn’t try to reach out to him.  Instead, she just shut her eyes, not opening them until she heard the click.  And that’s when she broke down. 
     It should have been okay.  Should have.  Waking up that morning she had understood.  But it didn’t stop her from crying.  The tears burst forth, as she crumpled herself into those sheets, buried her head into the pillow that still carried his scent.  She cried.  She cried for what she’d been through in the last couple of months.  She cried for the memory of the way for a second she felt comfort.  And most of all she cried because she was strong after all.  Strong enough to know that complex was still complex and that maybe distance and time would help them try to get back to simple. 
     The way it was.  Safe.  Her last relationship was a testament to what romance evolved into in this popstar life.  Long distances, tight schedules, all unbearable.  This was simply a wake-up call.  She couldn’t take unbearable before, and she refused even the notion that she would have to go through that again.  Not now, not when this was almost over.  Almost.  They were going to be over soon.  And for some reason that made her cry even harder. 
     After leaving New York, she had gone back to London to their empty house.  And one week later, right before the kick-off for her tour she had packed her things.  She left nothing of hers behind.  It was like she’d never set foot in that house, there wasn’t a trace, well except for one thing.  There was one thing that was left behind.  Something that wasn’t so much hers as it was theirs.  She left that picture, that picture of them, still in the frame that Kara had bought.   She left it where it rested, right where they had placed it before they had left for New York, there in Shane’s bedroom.  She had wanted to take it with her, and that’s why it stayed.  She left it because seeing it would make her think about him. 
     Work.  Career.  That was all that she had room for in her thoughts.  It was the whole reason why they were in this mess in the first place.  She wasn’t going to lose sight of it now.  And neither was he if she could help it.  His career was just as important as hers, and she’d be damned if he was going to mess it all up over them.  Their separation had been strategically planned from the beginning in that hotel room in Las Vegas with Shannon.  Seven months, right before the release of his new album it would be made official.  Shane Filan and Aliesa Montaine, pop couple separated.  The press would give them all the free publicity his management could stand, any fans he might of lost over his marriage to her would be gained back, and with this one announcement there was even the potential of gaining more with that promise of impending single hood.  Almost one and a half months till D-day and Aliesa was making sure it happened, for him and for her.   So here she was three weeks later back in the States, on her first headlining tour trying to forget everything the only way she knew how, losing herself in work, and still avoiding Shane’s calls. 

“Al I need to talk …OH MY…” Shannon’s eyes widened at the sight in front of her.  “AL…”

Aliesa lifted her hand unconsciously to smooth her hair.  “Is it bad?” 

“NO it’s just,” Shannon answered as she walked over.  “It’s just…AL You cut your hair,” Shannon said, her voice still tinged with surprise.

“You don’t like it?  I’m not sure what I think.  I just sort of did it.  We were at the salon today and it was one of those spontaneous things…I wanted something different,” Aliesa stated biting her lower lip hoping for some sort of reassurance from her best friend.

“Well…it definitely is different,” Shannon said slowly.  “I mean the entire time I’ve known you you’ve had such long hair… I’m shocked but I…You look fabulous.”  And then she proceeded to shake her head in disbelief, her hands flipping every which way.  “God Al!  What possessed you to cut your hair?” 

The answer was simple.  “I thought I needed some sort of change.”

“And you did it seems.”  Shannon tilted her head to get a better look.  “You know… It sort of reminds me of that short style Britney had a while back.  You know around the time she went public with Justin.”

“Britney?  Really?”  Aliesa frowned.  “I was going for more of the Jennifer Aniston ala Golden Globes right after she married Brad Pitt thing,” she said as she lifted the hand held mirror to look at herself.  “But you think it looks like Britney?”

“No,” Shannon responded evenly, watching her friend fuss with her new shorn locks.  Her eyebrow raised and she sucked in her lips.  “It looks like you.  In fact,” she added as she sat down on the couch of the tour bus beside Aliesa.  “It looks to me like this hair,” Shannon began her hand flipping up to make a point.   “Actually this sudden need to change…that it might be some sort of an attempt at trying to forget something or maybe,” Shannon paused.  “Someone.”

The accusation hung in the air.  The implication was waiting to be answered to. 

Aliesa lowered the mirror and placed it down, avoiding Shannon’s stare.  “Don’t be silly.  That’s not the reason I did it at all,” she annunciated tartly as she grabbed a hairbrush, running the bristles through her hair briskly.

“It was just a thought.” Shannon shrugged.

Aliesa nodded acknowledging the words, then attempted to change the flow of their conversation away from her.  “So how was your trip abroad?” 

“What you mean to say is how’s Shane?” Shannon replied nonchalantly, observing her friend’s reaction.  It seemed Shannon wasn’t inclined to changing the topic that quickly.

Aliesa’s hand stopped its downward motion.  Her eyes lowered to stare at the brush.  “Shane?” 

“He asked me why you aren’t returning his calls.”

The words caused Aliesa to put down the brush completely.  “Oh?  Did he?”

“You knew he would AL,” Shannon said coolly.  “Want to fill in your best friend here?  Because I’ve got to say, I swear you two are like a really bad soap opera.  One minute everything is hell with you two, the next you two are suddenly so peaceful you’ve got me wondering when heaven suddenly appeared on earth, and now its come back to hell except worse of course!”  She crossed her legs and smoothed out her skirt.  “So tell me.  How is it possible that you two went from not being able to stand in the same room together without drawing blood, to buddy-buddy enough you actually liked playing the happy couple, to non-speaking terms in the span of a couple of months?”

Aliesa bit her fingernail.

“Uh-huh,” Shannon remarked at the action.  She gave Aliesa an analytical look and then stated her thought bluntly.  “You slept with him didn’t you?”

Aliesa jumped up suddenly, her hand retracting from her mouth and resting on her head.  “GOD NO!” she exclaimed.  “That would just have…GOD Shan how can you even!  Do you think I would be…!  I can’t believe!”  She glared at her friend.  “NO!” 

“Oh I see.”  Shannon sat back thoughtfully.  “You WANT to.  THAT’s the problem.”

If it were possible, Aliesa’s eyes widened at the remark even more so than they had at the previous statement.  Her tone was inflicted with bitterness.  “Stop insinuating Shan,” she spat out.

Shannon was undeterred from her point however.  “I would if you actually explained what’s going on Al.  Are you going to?  Or am I going to have to continue to speculate?”

Aliesa heaved a sigh.  “Shan.  I’m just…I’m just making it easier that’s all.” 

“By not talking to him?”

“I’m sticking to the plan,” Aliesa said pointedly looking her friend in the eye. “It’s better that we don’t talk, it will only make the separation look more legitimate.”

“So this whole thing is something you two discussed?”

“There is nothing to discuss.”

“Apparently there is if he’s calling you.”

“He’s only calling me because…” Aliesa stopped. 

“Because?”

Aliesa lowered her eyes.  “It got complicated.  Too complicated,” she said with finality, sitting back down.  She picked at her top idly.  “I get the feeling though that somehow you knew that already.”

Shannon nodded.  “Things like this aren’t simple Aliesa.  You know that and so does he.”  She brought her fingers to her lips, taping the curled digits against her mouth.  “But avoidance doesn’t do anything but prolong the inevitable.”  Shannon broke the tapping motion of her hand, spreading out her fingers and waving it side to side.  “In the end whatever you’re doing involves him.  He has a right to decide what to do as much as you.  You should be informing Shane of whatever is going on in that mind of yours.”

“It’s easier if I don’t,” Aliesa reiterated looking away again.

And that’s all it took for the epiphany to hit Shannon.  Of course!  The hair.  Change.  Avoiding.   “Oh my god,” she breathed out all of a sudden, blinking rapidly at the onslaught of this new information.  “You’re in love with him aren’t you?” she concluded.  It was a statement, not a question.

The answer was soft but it was direct.  “Love isn’t possible when the people aren’t real.”

“Please.”  Shannon picked up Aliesa’s cell phone and tossed it into her lap.  “It’s as real as a phone call away AL.”

Aliesa eyes settled on the phone in front of her.  “Shan.  Things aren’t simple like that.”

“They are.  It’s you who’s complex.”

Aliesa picked it up tentatively, and then she reached over to hand it back to Shannon.  But Shannon wouldn’t take it.

“Stop being so stubborn.  Just think about it AL would you?” Shannon shoved the phone back at her.  “I was there with you when Christian and you fell apart.  I don’t need another repeat.”  Shannon stood up.  “You might end up marrying someone else in Las Vegas,” she joked trying to lighten the mood.  She wrapped Aliesa’s hand around the phone.  “Will you just call him already and appease the continuous headache of mine that is you and Shane?” 

“Shannon you can’t change everything with a phone call.”

“No.  You can’t,” Shannon replied.  She looked at her best friend seriously.  “But you can try.”

“Well I’m bad at trying,” Aliesa said resignedly toying with the phone in her hands. 

“Not true.  Look at your hair.”

“Exactly,” Aliesa confessed.  She tugged lightly and the wig she had been donning came off.  Her long hair cascaded down.  “It’s fake.  I couldn’t commit.” 

Shannon gaped.  “I can’t believe it.  That wasn’t real?”  She picked up the hairpiece, feeling the texture.  “Wow.  It looked so real.”

“Well Shan its just another thing that’s not,” Aliesa answered quietly.

     God she was stubborn.  Aliesa fingered the pad of her cell phone.  This always happened.  This inner battle, she’d been so close to calling so many times.  She took a deep breath to clear her mind, but she couldn’t stop playing with the phone, and she couldn’t pay attention.  She knew it was inevitable.  She couldn’t stop thinking about him.  And this morning…  No matter what, despite the fact that she wouldn’t be able to call him she’d still do what she did every day for the past six weeks.  She’d listen.  She’d listen to his voice because despite herself she needed a part of him with her.  Shane never failed to call her.  He called her everyday.  And that last message from this morning.  She had been so close. 

“Hi...  It’s me again.  I needed to call even though I know you won’t pick up… I just.  I guess I just needed to hear you…even if it is just voicemail,” he started, his voice unsure.  “Ali I…” He cleared his throat and continued.  “I wish you’d call me…” his voice dropped, sounding faint.

She’d found her resolve crumbling at the sound.

 “I...” Shane sighed.  “I’m going crazy.”  And then he paused.  “I miss you, miss you more than I can stand,” he said quietly.  “Ali I think I’m…I know I’m…” He took a breath.  “…I can live with you not talking to me…I just.  I can’t live without you.  I need you Ali…I just need you.”

She was still thinking about it, even when she shouldn’t be.

“Aliesa what do you think?”

The question snapped Aliesa out of her thoughts.  She nodded assuredly to the woman across the table, tucking the phone discreetly back in her bag. 

“Sounds good Jeanne,” she responded, not knowing what she was agreeing to.  Jeanne smiled at that and the meeting continued. 

     She couldn’t even remember what this meeting was for.  What were they discussing again?  Why couldn’t she just focus and stop thinking about him?  Shane.  That voicemail.  She found her mind wandering again despite her best attempts to keep alert.  But it was to no avail, she just ended up drowning out everything around her and thinking about Shane and that voicemail.  Shane.  I need Shane. 
     She was so distracted with the thought that she didn’t hear her cell phone ring until Jeanne coughed at the disturbance.  Jolting back into reality, Aliesa smiled apologetically at the people in the room, hanging it up without glancing at it to quickly discontinue the sound.  Then her phone rang again.  And then it rang again.  And then at the sixth attempt she ruefully plucked her phone out from her bag and checked the caller ID to see who could be so incessant.  She stood up instantly at the recogniton.  Doing it quickly before she changed her mind.  “I’m so sorry.  Will you excuse me?  I have to take this.” 

Without waiting for any consent, she promptly left.  Her feet urgently walking out of the room with determination, not stopping for a moment until she was safely outside.  Biting her fingernail she flipped the phone open. 

“Six times in less than a minute,” she whispered severely, as she searched for a quiet corner. 

The other side of the line was silent for a moment.  “Finally taking my calls.”

She should have not answered the phone.  What possessed her to answer the phone?  Aliesa sighed.  “I’ve…I’ve been busy.  Shane, what’s so important?  I’m in the middle of a meeting.” 

“Nothing.” 

“Nothing,” Aliesa said loudly, a little too loudly.  People in the hall stopped and stared.  She smiled at them, before turning towards the wall, and lowering her voice.  “You’re calling for nothing?” 

“Yeah.  So how are you?”

“We are not having this conversation right now…” Aliesa paced. Why hadn’t she just turned the thing off?

“You know Ali you’re probably going to make a scene pacing back and forth like that.”

She halted.  How did he know she was pacing?

“Ali?  You still there?”

“Shane.  I…I don’t have time for this right now…I really should get back to…”

“I miss you.”

Aliesa leaned her head against the wall.  He had to say that.

“You miss me?”

“Shane…” Do not do this to me right now. 

“Cause I miss you so much Ali I had to see you.”

Her plan to just hang up was now being thrown out the window.  She was weak.  “Had?” 

“Uh-huh.  And I’ve got to admit you’re looking very beautiful with that confused expression on your face.”

“Shane how do you…” Aliesa trailed off, turning around to find him standing beside her. 

He grabbed the phone from her hand and hung it up. “You look even better close up.” 

She stammered a moment, trying to come up with the right words but all she could say was, “You’re here.” 

A helpless smile appeared on his face.  “I figured you couldn’t avoid me in person.”

Aliesa blinked.  “But you’re on the other side of the world right now.”

“Supposed to be,” Shane answered softly. 

“Shane you shouldn’t be here.”

“But I am here.”  He reached out and pulled that ever-present finger from her lips.  She was biting her nails again.  He held on to her hand.  “And we’ve got to talk.”

He ran his hands across the side of his neck with frustration.  He wanted to understand her but he couldn’t grasp how she could be so adamant. 

“Shane you know I’m right.”  Aliesa responded meekly. 

“You really want to believe that don’t you.”  Stopping his movements back and forth across the hotel room he sank down onto his knees in front of her so they could be eye level.  “Ali if this didn’t mean anything you wouldn’t be trying so hard to convince me otherwise.”

“It’s the plan.”

“Fuck the plan!”

“You know this is why I didn’t call.  I knew you were going to be like this!”

Shane shot up again to standing position, and he rolled his eyes.  “Ali you didn’t call me because as usual you’re just ignoring everything.”

And suddenly she was defensive.  “And what is that supposed to mean?”

“You still don’t know what you want.”

Aliesa narrowed her eyes.   “God Shane!  You of all people should know we don’t always get what we want.”  Rising from her sitting position on the bed she stood face to face with him and glared.  “Why can’t you understand?”

“I’m trying to.  But you keep on changing your mind,” he said coldly.

Her expression softened.  “Don’t do this to me okay?  I don’t need this.”

“Well I need you.  So I guess you’d say we’re even,” he snapped. 

And what could she say to that?  She needed him just as much.  He just didn’t understand that this would be easier.  But she did. 

“Shane please…” Aliesa said softly, shutting her eyes to try to block off the warmth she felt as he drew himself closer.  She inhaled his cologne, felt his unshaven face brush up against her smooth skin, and she was broken.  The motions of his hands on her own were enough to make her take back the decision she had only made moments earlier. 

“I’m in love with you.” 

Her eyes flew open at the mention. 

His own penetrated back at her, almost willing her to deny what she knew was the truth.  “I’ve been in love with you.”

And that’s when Aliesa made a choice. 

Not real. 

It took everything in her to not say it back. 

Not real.  It took everything in her to walk out the door. 

Not real. 

That’s why she found herself crying as soon as she got on the elevator, because it took everything in her. 

Not real. 

Took everything in her to not admit that they were. 

Chapter 29
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