If I had everything
I wouldn’t be satisfied
Cause there’d still be emptiness in my life
So tell me baby is it true
That I was surely made for you
If we both know it
Why do we pretend
Cause I spend all of my life
Just looking for this
I need to look no more
And now that you’re here
I just can’t ignore it
I hope you don’t mind
If I fall for you baby
                                    -----"If I Fall"-- Kavana

     She leaned her forehead against the cool tile, letting the water beat against her skin and thought.  She thought long and hard about what to do.  She thought about what to say.  She thought about how she was going to fix everything that just seemed to be going wrong.  She simply thought.
       Sometimes alone, staring off into space was the only way she could make sense of everything that had happened to her.  Initially, in the first couple of days preceding the marriage, she had been so busy with working that at times she’d almost forget she was married.  But now, it was hard to forget.  It was hard to ignore.  HE was hard to ignore.  For so long her response to being faced with the reality of the situation was to be unforgiving and uncooperative. Because when she entered this hoax it was like she lost a part of herself.  She didn’t like what it made her: powerless.  And thus, defiance was her only defense.   She didn’t know where she began, and where the pretenses of whom she had become ended.  It had all just meshed together.  The lie had overtaken her psyche.  And his presence only added fuel to the fire.  But now she wasn’t sure what she felt, how she felt.  She didn’t know.
     Because even though things were better it somehow wasn’t.  The tension remained, never appeased.  Day after day they spoke less and less to each other about providing any explanation of why.  Why it still wasn’t right?  Why they still couldn’t come to grips with what was happening to them?  They were still angry.  They were still bitter.  But more so they were sad.  And the sadness did nothing to help the already raging emotions the two had welled up.  She didn’t know how to feel.  And honestly, she didn’t know if she wanted to feel.  Feelings were too complicated.
     She shut off the water and reached for a towel, stepping out of the glass door.  Wrapping the terrycloth around herself, she wiped off the condensation from the steam that had built up on the mirror.  She stared hard at herself, stared straight into the eyes of her reflection.  Her eyes turned away from her image, her hand pressed against the glass.  She struggled to contain the resentment of once again pretending to be someone she was not.  This was not the time for reluctance.  She had things to take care of before Kara came. 
     Her hand brushed against the doorknob, opening it with a simple twist as she walked into Shane’s room, her hair wet and dripping down her back.  She headed straight to the closet for a change of clothes, spritzing on some vanilla body splash, and putting on some lotion, before swaggering back to the bathroom in just a pair of jeans and her purple bra. She had just finished blow-drying her hair when Shane walked back in, a sleeping Lily resting in his arms.  Aliesa put down the hair dryer and watched him from the bathroom doorway.  She watched him gently lay her sleeping niece on the bed, and sit beside it to sing to her softly.  And for the first time in their time together Aliesa Montaine got a glimpse into the man who made up Shane Filan.  She saw him in a different light.  It wasn't fake.  It wasn't made up.  It was real. He was real.  She let her eyes rove over the scene, her mind drifting to some unforeseen future that she had once set in her mind about what love was supposed to be like.  She felt her heart ache just a little, felt her own fragility, and then she pushed everything back out of sight, to the corner of her mind where it belonged.

“Shane.”

His steady gaze locked onto hers, and she hid the smile that was determined to break out on her face at how his eyes seemed to get a little bit bigger when he realized she was standing there in just her bra.  She sauntered over and lovingly traced Lily’s cheek.  “Precious fell asleep on you I see,” she commented knowing full well his attention wasn’t on her words but on her bare skin. 

He had every intention of answering her when she called his name the first time.  But somehow his breath had caught in his throat and he was deemed speechless.  He’d noticed her though.  Oh how he had he noticed her.  His eyes drunk in more and more of her, the closer she got.  He swallowed convulsively, as if somehow it would reassure him that he wasn’t just seeing things.  Aliesa smirked beside him, as he stared at her silent, giving her another moment in their short time together that was too good to pass up.  She lifted his hand from the mattress, and flattened it against her stomach.

“I’m real.”

The words snapped him out of the daze he had momentarily plummeted in.  His recovery was quick.  One eyebrow lifted, he smiled into her eyes, his voice light.  “Oh I can see that.”

Aliesa giggled.  She actually giggled.  Her hand rushed up to cover her mouth to stifle the sound as she laughed at him.  He really was something else.  “Your mind is SO in the gutter.”

He flicked his tongue.  “I’m not the one standing there half-naked.”

She grabbed his hand and lifted him up from the floor.  “I think we both know you’ve seen me in less.”

“Not sober.”

“Close enough,” Aliesa responded as he pulled him towards the dresser across the room.

“What are you doing?”

“Give me your wallet,” she answered letting his hand go and taking something from a small box.

“What for?”

“Just give it,” Aliesa demanded as he took it from his back pocket and handed it to her skeptically.  She flipped it open.

“Are you going to explain what you’re doing yet?”

“Who’s this in the picture with you?” 

Shane tilted his head down to inspect what she was pointing at.  It was something that he had forgotten was there.  “Gillian,” he said dryly. 

 “Exactly,” Aliesa commented as she pulled it from the plastic.  “And this,” she said frankly, sliding in a picture she had removed from the box, “Is ME”.  She pushed the wallet against his chest.  “We have to worry about the little things.” 

“You really think your sister is going to look through my wallet?”

“Do you really think that a married man should be carrying a picture of an ex-girlfriend?”

“You know Kian’s in that picture too.”

Aliesa gave him a short speculative sideways glance. 

“Just a point,” Shane defended putting his hands up.

“Doesn’t matter.  No argument on that one.  No time.  Besides we have other things to cover.”

“Oh?”

“Come here.  We might wake Lily,” Aliesa directed as she took his hand once again and pulled him towards the bathroom.

“What are we doing in the bathroom?”

“This,” Aliesa said as she pulled him close and began unbuttoning her jeans.

“Umm Ali?  Not that I’m complaining but…”

Aliesa rolled her eyes.  “Don’t go there Shane.  I just need to show you something.”

“Your underwear?”

“My birthmark.”

“You have a birthmark?” 

“And that response is the exact reason why you need to see it.”  She turned sideways and pulled her jeans down a little and he saw. 

“OH.”  His fingers traced the skin below her hip.  Shane felt her shiver a little at his touch.  He smiled at the reaction.  “Birthmark, lower right hip, looks almost like a heart, got it.” 

“And there’s something else,” Aliesa said, buttoning her jeans back up as she turned to face him. 

“More?” 

“Look,” Aliesa leaned back against the counter and bit her lip.  “We never went over all the little things that couples are supposed to know about each other because we didn’t think we’d have to ever share stuff like that.  The basics like favorite colors and birthdays are fine for interviews and things that don’t need to be seen beneath the surface but we’re talking about my sister.”  Aliesa sighed.  “My sister, the free-lance writer who investigates and interviews for a living.  This is the same sister that I have never, never ever, been able to keep a secret from because she’s that good.  Which means we have to be better than just the surface.”  Racking her brain for the best way to approach the matter she decided now was not the time to be modest.  “Shane…I…” 

He leaned forward, his hands pressing against the counter.  “Can’t be that bad Ali.”

Aliesa dragged her eyes to his face.   She looked into those questioning hazel eyes, and realized then that she hadn’t snapped at him for a while now when he called her Ali.  In fact, she didn’t even mind anymore.  The knowledge gave her another reason why she shouldn’t be suprised that lately she had this sudden need to touch him.  She gave him a small reassuring smile, before it was replaced by a serious expression.  She cupped his cheek, her fingers splaying sensuously across his face.  “I need you to kiss me.”

His lips quirked with self-mockery.  “Is that all?”

She looked him dead in the eye.  “No Shane I need you to KISS me.”  She broke eye contact, resting her hand at the back of his neck, her fingers lightly caressing his hair as she explained her request.  “REALLY kiss me.  As in enough to give me a hickey.”

Shane leaned his head back, closed his eyes for a second, and sighed with exasperated amusement.  “Somehow I knew you were going to say that.”

She placed her other hand on his chest.  “Oh but you don’t even know where yet.”

If he were drinking something he probably would have chocked.  Aliesa raised an eyebrow.  “Breathe Filan.”

“Excuse me?”

She smiled absently at the quip.  “I told you.  The little things.”  Aliesa traced the curve of his jaw. 

Shane moved slightly, studying her.  “And where exactly am I supposed to kiss you?”

“Well,” Aliesa reached behind the counter and took a hold of his hand to guide it.  “There’s this spot that,” she blushed.  “I can’t believe I am telling you this.”  She placed his hand below her collarbone, leaving it right between her chest.  “You just have to do it there.” 

He looked down at his hand.  “Why there?”

“Because,” she said vaguely, pulling him closer. 

“Because?”

She grabbed his face with her two hands.  “Trust me and do it.”

He brushed his face between her fingers, and gazed into those wide luminous eyes of hers.  He stood there and accessed her demand for a minute before lowering his head to touch his lips lightly to the spot she had indicated.  Her hands curved around the nape of his neck, clinging to him for support, as his arm encircled her waist moving her tightly to him.  His hands shifted from her back to her midriff, and he automatically deepened the caresses on her skin, his mouth moving in with a hungry persuasive insistence.  A soft moan escaped Aliesa’s lips.  Shane dropped his hands to her waist and raised his head.  Gazing first at the sensual mouth which had gently, and then fiercely touched her, Aliesa met his eyes.  He could feel the heavy thudding of her heart against his chest as her body limply pressed against him.  She pressed her cheek against his, her labored breathing evening out, her voice low and compelling as she whispered in his ear, “Now do you understand why I told you to trust me.”

“Are you pregnant?”

Aliesa peered over at her sister, a blank expression on her face.  “K,” she answered testily.

“Because if that’s why you got married in a rush I can tell you that nowadays it’s okay to have children before marriage.  You won’t be banned from society.  I’m sure mom and dad would get over it eventually.  I mean people in your line of work go through it all time.  I mean look at Mick Jagger.  Prime example number one.  He is unaffected by children out of wedlock.”

“K.”

“You are pregnant aren’t you?”

“Do I look pregnant to you?’

“You know I’ve heard some people don’t show until maybe month six.  How long have you guys been married almost five?  And I mean you are wearing loose clothes.”

“K, I’m wearing jeans and a baby tee.”

“Like I said loose.”

“What am I supposed to be wearing?  I’m in the house.  Do you want me wearing halters and clingy see through tops or something?”

“Why are you so defensive?”

“No K.  I am not pregnant.”

“You sure?”

“I think I would know if I was pregnant.”

“You know some people don’t even know they are pregnant.  I was watching Rikki Lake once and this woman didn’t know until she was giving birth.”

“Kara drop it.”

Kara leaned back into the lounge chair.  “Was it a sex thing?”

Aliesa shut her eyes and rubbed her forehead.  She was not having this conversation.  “Why am I afraid to ask what you mean by that?”

“You know that whole you’d only have sex if you were married attitude.  Is that why you ended up at the altar?”

“K you know I wasn’t a virgin.”

“So you were having sex with him before you got married.  I can’t believe you got married because you got pregnant.”

“Kara I’m not pregnant.”

Kara watched her daughter and Shane play.  “He’s good with kids,” she observed.  “And you know how Lily is around strangers.  She doesn’t just like anybody, and she took to him right away.  I think he’ll make a good father.”

“For the last time I am not pregnant.”

Kara’s hazel eyes met her sister’s brown ones.  “And he is definitely a looker.  His pictures don’t do him any justice at all, and very charming too.  Definitely the kind of guy you’d take home to meet mom and dad.  So why didn’t you?”

“Kara what are we playing twenty questions?”

“You know you had lots of opportunities.  You could have brought him to Lily’s third birthday party.  That was what?   A week before you got married?”

“I told you.  We were trying to play it safe.  We didn’t want anyone knowing we were dating.  We didn’t know where we were going.  We had bad public relationships.  There was his career.  My career.”

“Alie M.”

Aliesa winced at the childhood nickname.  Kara only brought it up when she was trying to prove something, or when she knew she was about to win an argument.

“I can understand the need for secrecy, but how could you lie to your own family about a guy that you were so serious about that you married him.  I mean you dragged Christian along to some family get together a month into dating him and that was months before you two went public.  And what happened to that big wedding you had planned since we were kids?  The sister I know would never in a million years get married in a Las Vegas chapel of love.”

“Kara.  Christian was different.”  Aliesa let out a labored sigh.  “How many times do I have to explain this whole thing to you?  Can we please change conversations now?  I mean we have beaten this one to death already to find ourselves at the same place.  I am married.  End of story.”

“You’re only 21.”

Aliesa crossed her arms over her chest.  “So?  You were 22.”

“Dave and I dated for four years.  Four years to tell me that I could spend the rest of my life with him, to know I wanted to have kids with him.  I just.  I don’t want your heart broken that’s all.”

“What?”

Kara briefly turned her head away and watched Lily and Shane again.  “He must be a good kisser.”

“Okay.  You’ve lost me already.”

Kara eyed her sister knowingly.  “That V-neck doesn’t hide that huge hickey.”

Aliesa reached up and touched the spot.  She’d noticed.

“Do you know how long it took all your ex-boyfriends to find THAT spot, let alone get a hickey there?”

Aliesa flushed red remembering the bathroom.

“And what is up with all that blushing?  You don’t blush.”

Aliesa pressed her hands against her cheeks, feeling the warmth.  “Apparently I do.”

“Exactly,” Kara pointed out, lifting her hand in the air.

“I am totally confused at what kind of point you are trying to make here.”

“This is the heartbreaker.”

“Kara I seem to be …could you maybe…I’m not catching---”

Her sister swung her body around so that they were face to face.  “This is not Christian.  This isn’t some infatuation that you mistake for the kind of love that lasts forever.”

“I think,” Aliesa cut-in.

Kara held her off.  “That’s the problem.  You’re not thinking.  And that’s why I’m worried.  You are so in love you’re not thinking AT ALL.  And I know you.  Whatever possessed you to rush into all this might be the same thing that will get you a month from now, or a year from now to go and leave it all behind.  And in the end, if you do I’m afraid you’re going to break.” 

Chapter 24
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