You see, in all my life, I've never found,
What I couldn't resist, what I couldn't turn down
I could walk away from anyone I ever knew,
But I can't walk away from you
I have never let anything have so much control over me
I've worked too hard to call my life my own
And I've myself a world and it's worked so perfectly
But it's your world now, I can't refuse,
I've never had so much to lose
                                              -------"Shameless"–Garth Brooks 

“I can’t believe you’re leaving already K.  You and Lily just got here.”

“Time flies huh?  It’s just as well.  We’re leaving tomorrow morning and you’re leaving tomorrow evening for New York.  Ah the exciting life of my sister the popstar.  She’s never in one place long,” Kara smiled as she wrapped an arm around her sister’s shoulder and squeezed.  “But this time you have company,” she added motioning to the room down the hall where JC was.

“Yeah,” Aliesa remarked softly leaning her head against her sister’s comforting arm.

Kara droned on.  “I like JC.  In fact I like him better than I ever liked Christian.  And you know how I felt about you dating musicians in the first place so that should put him on a whole other pedestal.  I can understand why you love him so much.  He really is a sweetheart you know that?  I mean going out of his way and getting those tickets so Lily could see Disney on Ice.  Braving the mob of fans…he’s considerate and he’s funny too…”

“I know…He’s wonderful,” Aliesa murmured, her voice drifting off.

     Kara inwardly sighed at the predicament she knew her sister had gotten herself into.  Despite what she knew her sister thought, Aliesa wasn’t a better liar than she was when they were younger.  She was still readable in so many ways.  Aliesa was trying way too hard at happy and perfect.  Kara wasn’t blind.  Aliesa was obviously putting up a front.  Too elusive, too emotional, the looks, their actions, all of it told Kara that this marriage was not what JC and Aliesa pretended it to be.  Kara didn’t know details, but from observing them she knew this: something wasn’t right.  Aliesa could deny it all she wanted, but Kara knew marital problems when she saw it.  And knowing her sister, she was avoiding the issues as usual, pretending they didn’t exist.  And doing it was going to get her in a lot of trouble, and into a lot of heartbreak. 
     Kara gave her sister another squeeze, more so to reassure herself than Aliesa.  She was going to go about this the philosophical way.  The way she knew their mother would.  Subtle.  Because any other way Aliesa would be defensive, and this time Kara needed to get her point across.  “Alie M, you remember that keyboard you wanted really bad when you were twelve?”

Aliesa smiled faintly.  “Of course.  My life revolved around that thing for a year.”

“You remember how Mom and Dad wouldn’t get it for you?  How you saved your lunch money every day for months, even though you knew it wasn’t going to be nearly enough to buy it for a really long time?  How you’d make excuses so we could stop by that music store so you could just look at it?  You’d stand there and just stare it, touching the keys?”

 “I remember.”

“You’d get this look on your face every time.  I’ll never forget it.  There was so much hope, so much faith, so much longing in your eyes.  It was wishful.  You looked at it knowing that you couldn’t have it, but wanting it just the same.  You looked at it as if you already had it.”

“In my daydreams I did,” Aliesa whispered wistfully at the thought. 

“You know you watch him like that.”

“Watch who K?”

“JC.  It’s the same look.  Haunting and full of what-ifs and maybes.” 

Just like she knew.  Busted.  Aliesa sighed and lifted her head off her sister's shoulder.  “Want to tell me what you know K?  You don’t have to do the roundabout Mom does.  Because I already know you know something.”

“Okay,” Kara nodded.  “Let’s be blunt then.”

Aliesa prepared herself for the onslaught by looking down at the ground, it was better than meeting her sister’s gaze.

“I know you're lying.”

Aliesa winced.  This was bad.

“I know that you're putting on some front with JC, and it's just like that keyboard and you're torturing yourself.”

Aliesa rested her elbow on her knee, rubbing her palm against her forehead trying to come up with an explanation.  “K.  This…It's more complicated than you know.”

“Marriage is complicated.”

“I know it is K.  It’s just JC and I.  We…it’s…this…”

“No.  Stop.  Look at me,” Kara demanded.

Aliesa lifted her head weakly, and unwillingly met her sister’s eyes.

“You haven’t changed that much since we were younger.  You overreact when you get yourself into a mess.”

Aliesa just felt like this conversation was getting worse by the minute.

“Obviously, this whole front you have is a ploy because you don’t want tell me what’s going on with you two.  And that’s fine.  I’m not going to pry and make you tell me about your problems.  I trust you.  You were adult enough to get married, and I’m not going to treat you like some sixteen year old that snuck into the house past curfew.  I’m just going to give you some advice.  Because I’m your sister.”  Kara wrapped an arm around Aliesa’s shoulder, and patted her arm.  “You know it’s always just been you and I.  Kara 
and Aliesa.  Us against the world.  I'm always here when you need me.”

Aliesa bit her lip.  “I know.”

Kara tilted her head so it leaned against her sister’s.  “Want to know what makes marriage so complicated?  It’s because you’ve reached that point where you love someone so much your emotions get tangled up and there is no way out.  And that’s why it’s scary.  Suddenly it’s more than just giving up your whole heart, you’ve given up more than that to one other person.  And that’s why you have to believe and you have to trust.  Whatever it is that’s going on with you two.  Don’t go and put silly thoughts in your head about how things are supposed to be. Listen to your heart, that’s all that matters.”  Kara lifted her head and stared hard at her sister.  “When you finally got that keyboard it changed your life.  If you'd listened to Mom and Dad when they told you that you couldn't have it, and just turned your back, this whole music thing wouldn't have happened and you wouldn’t be here right now preparing for a tour.  That should tell you what you should already know by now.  Don't push away things that you know you want just because the things around you say otherwise.”  Kara gave her sister a reassuring smile.  "The moral of the story is Alie M.  Give love a chance to grow with you, don’t be scared of the changes.”
 
 

     Aliesa stared at the ceiling, shifting restlessly in the bed.  After her heart to heart with Kara she’d walked into the bedroom she shared with JC and shut out the world around her.  She just wordlessly pulled away to her side of the bed, and enveloped herself in the warmth of the blankets.  She wished that things were simple.  But Kara was right, they weren’t, and that was what was so hard.  So now here she was dealing with trying to figure out what to do and what to say to him.  Should she pretend that things 
were still the same between them when she knew it wasn’t?  She just didn't know. 
     He’d gotten up at least an hour ago.  Then again he had been up as long as she had really.  JC couldn’t sleep either.  Even though her back was to him, she could tell by the way he was breathing.  But she didn’t make any move to talk, even though she sensed he wanted to.  Sensed that he wanted to reach over and wake her up.  Instead she pretended that she was fast asleep when she felt him stare at her in the darkness.  Instead she watched the way the moonlight cascaded against the wall through the curtains.  She didn’t stir when he got up and walked onto the balcony.  But when he left, she pressed a hand on his pillow.  Her hand traced his side of the bed, still warm even though he was no longer there.  She kept telling herself she didn’t want to deal with emotions.  But she couldn’t help how as she lay there, she watched that glass door hoping that maybe he’d walk back in and she could. 

“You coming in soon?”

JC pulled his stare away from the night sky he had been observing for some time, and glanced over his shoulder at her approaching figure.  He turned back, leaning over and resumed his stance, resting his arms against the railing of the bedroom balcony.  “In a while.  I sort of like it out here.  It’s peaceful.”

“I know what you mean,” she replied wistfully coming up beside him, leaning over just as he was, and looking up at the stars.  “Makes you wonder how some things can be so perfect.”  She stared out into the distance. 

He quickly glanced at her.  “I thought you were sleeping.”

“No.  I just pretend pretty well.”

And with that said, they stood there in silence for a minute, lost in their own separate thoughts, neither of them breaking the reverie. 

That is until JC straightened up.  “Want to talk about why you can’t sleep?” 

Her eyes lowered from her stargaze.   “I’m just stressed. You know the tour, Kara,” she said plainly, before looking up again into the darkness.

     They both knew it wasn’t just that.  They both knew what it really was.  JC rubbed the back of his neck, unsure of where to begin with her.  He had a lot of things on his mind that were in need of clearing up.  Aliesa could ignore things, but he couldn’t.  Not this time.  Not anymore. 

“Ali…About earlier with Bobbie…”

“JC you don’t have to explain.”

He nodded grimly, and then turned away from her, doing as she was and looking back up at the sky.  It took another minute before he broke their silence again.  “I sort of envy him sometimes you know.” 

“Who?”  Aliesa asked as she focused on him. 

“Lance.”

“Lance?”

He ran his fingers through his hair nervously.  “That’s why today I…I’m not jealous about the thought of you two together.  I don't think that at all.  The thing is I…I’m jealous of how you are with him.  You…I mean you and I…we just… we’ve never been able to talk like that, be together like that, not really.  It’s different with us.”  He gripped the railing.  “Now.  Four months ago.  We still haven’t changed Ali.  Friends.  Not friends.  Polite.  Civil.  Mad.  Hateful.  No matter what it’s the same.  We’re still in the same place we’ve always been.  And I just…sometimes I wish that we weren’t.  I wish that…” He paused and looked at her then, really looked at her.  Looked at her like he was trying to find something in the way she was looking back at him.  His blue eyes trying to find what he knew he’d seen before, that tiny spark of need.  He needed to know what she thought of him, that he was important to her.  JC’s voice was low and steady as he could make it when he said it, “You know if Bobbie hadn’t walked in I would have kissed you.  I wanted to kiss you.”

At the name, Aliesa let out a short breath.  “Bobbie,” she repeated her voice soft and hesitant.  “Something happened with you know.  Seeing her with you I couldn’t help but feel…”  She offered him a timid smile.  “It’s not pretend.  It’s not preconceived.  Whatever emotions that swarmed through you when you saw her today.  They were genuine, even though they might not have been the same kind of feelings they used to be, they were still real.”  Her hand fluttered up from the railing to touch his cheek.  At the contact with his skin, Aliesa’s voice grew a little shakier.  “We’re not like that JC.  We’re not real.  You can’t kiss a person that doesn’t exist.” 

He stopped the soft caress across his face, reaching up and clasping her hand.  “You’re wrong.”

Aliesa regarded him sadly before she closed the distance between them.   She wrapped her arms around his neck, standing on her tiptoes so she could hug him tightly, as if she had to prove to herself that he was really there.  “We’ve come so far Joshy.  Let’s not complicate what’s already so complicated,” she whispered pressing her face against his shoulder, trying to prolong the moment, letting herself get lost in the way she felt in his arms.  She just wanted to hold onto the moments like these when she was just Aliesa and he was just JC and nothing more.

His arms closed around her.  “Ali I…” 

She pulled away before he could say anymore, “I’m going to go back inside and try to get some sleep.  We have New York tomorrow and everything.”  Aliesa gave him another tentative smile, as she backed up.  “Promise me you won’t stay out here too long.  That you’ll come back to bed in a little bit?  Don’t want you to get sick.”

And with that she went back inside, leaving him standing there alone.  She left him there under the sky, in the wee hours of the morning.

And so it was.  Under the sky, JC shut his eyes and leaned over the balcony once again, trying to figure out when exactly things had changed so much between them and how they could make it right.  He never did get to sleep.

Chapter 27
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