Chapter 1 (D-Day): Barely Breathing

     Breathe in.  Breathe out.   Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Damn it!  Just breathe!  Slowly her lungs filled with air as her hyperventilation pushed down to a minimum.  But just because she wasn’t outwardly hysterical anymore didn’t mean she felt any better.  Her heart was racing a mile a minute...faster even.  The clock on the wall seemed to be ticking louder than normal, but time seemed to be moving so slow.  She twiddled her thumbs.  She continuously brushed her hair from her face.  She paced.  She sat down.  She stood up.  She smoothed out her top.  She pulled on her skirt.  She picked at the nail polish on her nails.  She played with the ring on her finger.  She organized the magazines on the table.  She just did everything but stand still.  Standing still would have meant she was calm.  She was definitely not calm. 
     How could somebody be calm at a moment like this?  It wouldn’t be possible.  It COULDN’T be possible.  I mean this was it.  It.  The day had finally come.  It was THE big day.  Hell whom was she kidding!  It was one of THE biggest days of her entire life.  Not that she’d had much experience in her short life.  She was only 21 years old.  But in all of her twenty-one years she had never been as nerve wracked then she was at this moment.  It was a moment that was going to change her life and she was nervous.
     No, she was more than nervous.  She was scared.  No, that still couldn’t describe this feeling at the pit of her stomach that seemed to grow by the second.  Scared wasn’t the right word.  Scared was a subtle description.  Her emotions were not subtle.  She was at the end of her rope.  She was at her wits end.  She was standing at the edge of the earth in one last vain attempt at stepping back and saving herself.  She was absolutely and positively petrified.  She wasn’t rational.  She couldn’t even think straight let alone have enough sense to be even remotely rational.  She wanted to scream.  She didn’t though.  She attempted to remain calm.  Attempted was the key word. 
     She quickly glanced at the television set, and then turned away.  The colors and the sound emitting from the appliance taunted her to pay attention to it.  She didn’t want to go over there.  She didn’t want to see what it was offering her.  Why was it so daunting to acknowledge it?  Suck it up.  Suck it up.  It isn’t this bad.  It won’t be that bad.  Breathe.  Breathe.  Breathe.  She gave in.  She walked the short distance across the room and sat on the couch.  She looked at the screen.  It won.  She would watch.  She leaned back and brushed the hair from her face.  She pushed the gold bracelets that encircled her wrists up and down her arm. The chiming sound they made as they collided with one another almost gave her a sense of reassurement.  She needed that.  She needed to be reassured.  She needed to know it was going to be okay.  This isn’t going to change things.  Don’t listen to what everyone says!  It’s not going to change things. She took a deep breath.  She bit her lip.  Her head unconsciously moved forward as she watched the scene unfold in front of her.  This moment had arrived.  It was really happening.  He was going to do it and there would be no turning back.
     She watched his profile on the screen.  She stared as he stood there calmly smiling.  But beneath that smile she knew he was as scared as she was.  It was so obvious.  Maybe it was because they were going through this together that she could sense it.  When he answered the questions his voice seemed to have this edge to it, a nervous tinge.  He seemed so preoccupied with running his hands through his cropped brown hair.  Her eyes followed the movement of his fingers as they came to rest again by his side, then back to his hair.  He seemed to be fidgeting a little.  She saw his eyes divert anywhere but at the screen.  She saw his bandmates give him coy looks every so often.  He seemed aloof, distant.  And the more she watched, it seemed the more it felt like it really wasn’t real.    The crowds below in Times Square that she could see in the background seemed to fade in and out.  Carson Daly seemed to be babbling more than usual.  The audience in the TRL studio seemed to be expanding.  She almost felt claustrophobic, and she wasn’t even there. 
     Her throat was left dry as Carson asked it.  His eyes suddenly widened. Her eyes widened.  She held her breath at the same moment he held his as the words continued to come out of Carson Daly’s mouth:
 

“I know you guys don’t like going to much into your personal lives, love lives especially.  But I’m going to have to throw this one out there since everyone seems to be in such frenzy over it.  I’m sure you all have been aware of all the rumors floating around.  Here at MTV we’ve been getting calls for days asking for details.  So, I’m sure that I’m not just speaking for myself, but also on behalf of your fans… JC is it true that you and Aliesa Montaine are married?”
 

She swallowed.
He glanced at the cameras.  It was almost as if he were asking her permission.
Oh God.
She gripped the couch as his answer resonated throughout the studio.

“Yes…Yes it is.”

     Her breath let out and her eyes fluttered shut.  She didn’t hear the rest of it after that.  She didn’t have to.  She’d been in the same room when Shannon, his publicist, and her friend, had gone over the script with them.  It had been executed, she was sure according to plan. 

"2 days ago in Las Vegas.  People do that when they’re in love.  I’m really happy."

It was done. 

     She sat there in the silence after she turned off the television set.  How long she sat there she didn’t know.  The cell phone on the table just rang and rang before it broke through her empty thoughts.  She wasn’t here.  It was like she wasn’t really living this. 

“Al?  Al?”, a familiar voice continually called as Aliesa gripped the phone to her ear as she picked it up.

“Yeah…Yeah I’m here Shan”, she answered, almost robotically.  It was like her emotions were on autopilot.

“I know that this is all overwhelming.  But we’re getting bombarded over here more so now especially since the TRL thing.  We have to move forward with it.  I know its sooner that we were thinking but…”, Shannon continued as Aliesa didn’t listen.  She let Shannon’s voice filter off.

“My turn right?” she cut her friend off as her eyes again fell on the blank television screen.

She heard Shannon sigh on the other end. 

“Geez Al.  You’re freaking me out here.  I mean you were hysterical for the past couple of days and now you’re calmer than the ocean about this whole thing.”

“Well it’s done right?”, she answered.  It’s done.  It’s done.  “No turning back.  Point of no return!  Things will work themselves out!  Didn’t you say that we’d just have to go with it?” she added bitterly.

“Al I know that its been rough and I’m sorry…”

“Rough?  You think its been rough?   News flash: I just got married instantaneously to a guy I barely know and the whole world is now in on it.  I can’t get out of it because apparently its bad public relations to announce that you got married on accident.  Oh the scandal that would ensue if people found out that two popstars woke up in a hotel room together married one day with no recollection of how they got there and why they’re there together because they are so wasted they can’t remember!  You can’t get a divorce. You can’t get an annulment.  I mean what would it do for the image!  It’ll ruin your career right Shan?  And so what do I get instead?  I’m only going to be hounded from now until eternity about it wherever I go.  I can’t even be in the same room with the man I supposedly am in love with for more than half an hour without screaming at him.  I’m going through a lot right now and its more than just rough.  I’m only 21.  I don’t need this.  And to tell you the truth at the moment Shan I don’t need to hear another sorry.  I could care less right now if you were sorry for me.  It doesn’t help me that you’re sorry!” Aliesa broke-in, anger rising up before fleeting as her voice chocked up with frustration.

“It’s not my fault you know,” Shannon said softly.

Aliesa blinked, trying to hold back another hysterical outburst.

“I know Shan…I just.  I just…I’m trying…I…What did you need me to do?” she breathed out.

“JC’s going to be in town tomorrow…”

“GREAT,” Aliesa muttered.

“So I thought this would be the perfect time to have the press conference.  I cleared it with Jeanne.  She told me you already have interviews scheduled in the morning.  After your interviews are finished, the limo will come and get you and JC an hour before hand…” Shannon continued ignoring Aliesa’s outburst.

“Wait a second…Get JC and I?”

“He’s staying with you.”

“Shan you can’t be serious.  I’ll go to the conference with him because I need this as much as he needs it to save his career but I am NOT going to submit myself to staying in the same hotel room as him.  I’ve already done that once and look where it got me!”

“Aliesa.  You two are married.  You may not believe so, or want to be, but legally you are.  You can’t be staying in separate hotel rooms.  What will people say?” Shannon reasoned.

Aliesa stayed silent on the other end.

“Al you know if there was any other way I’d do something.  But…”

“I know Shan.  You can’t.”, Aliesa finished for her.  “Fine.  Whatever.  We have to play house in public might as well practice right?” Aliesa sighed.

“Al.  You know he’s not that bad.”

Aliesa snorted.

“I mean you married him right?”

Aliesa smiled before chuckling a little.

“Ha.  Ha.  Shan.  Yeah.  I just have to get smashed again and I’ll be able to stand him.”

“It’s only a year Al...  Just stick with the game plan we came up with in Las Vegas. Besides, like I told you two, you won’t even see each other half the time,” Shannon reasoned trying to make her friend feel better.

“And that’s the only thought that keeps me sane… I keep telling myself that Shan.  That’s what I keep telling myself.”

This was going to be a long year.

Chapter 2
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