I lied to him from day one. It was a statement that I’m sure he’d heard countless times before from other people. And it was something I didn’t doubt for one moment he’d heard from so many other girls just like me, in situations just like the one I found myself in the night I met him. But I said it anyway. I told him he was just a normal guy. I remember he half-smiled at that, but even I knew a forced one when I saw one. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had wondered then and there if I was just saying it to say it because it was what he had wanted to hear, or because I was truly sincere. But that’s what was sad. I was sincere. Completely. I believed it. I was blind-sighted. Awestruck. Foolishly infatuated. Selfish. Most of all I was naïve. I wanted him to be. I wanted him to be for me. So I swallowed. I took a tentative pause. I gave him the same kind of smile. Then I leaned over and pressed my lips against his softly. “See,” I’d said against his mouth that night. “You kiss like a normal guy.” That was another lie. Normal guys didn’t get thousands of girls giggly, or faint at the sight of him. They didn’t get the phone numbers he got everywhere he went because he smiled at one. They didn’t have bodyguards who scouted potential fucks. They didn’t have girls like me up in their hotel rooms kissing them the way I kissed him after knowing him for less than an hour. Normal guys didn’t get girls screwing their morals because of a name. A job. I was such a liar. He wasn’t like any other normal guy. Deep down I knew that. But I didn’t say it. I just lied. And I kept on lying to him, and to me. I said I loved him for who he was, not what he was. Another lie. Because if he hadn’t been what he was, he wouldn’t have been able to get away with saying I love you and then in the next breath breaking my heart. I would have walked out the door as soon as I knew he couldn’t stay faithful. I wouldn’t have stayed knowing that even though I was there with him, once I was gone, if he needed some, he got it from someone else. I wouldn’t have put my life on hold for him. I wouldn’t have put up with all the bullshit if he were just some normal guy. So I just kept on lying. That was our twisted relationship. Lies. Lies. So many damn lies. But what did I expect? It only made sense. Didn’t I say he was a normal guy? He made mistakes. He wasn’t perfect. Then again I was a liar. And you know what? So was he. |